IF DETROIT TIGERS TV CASTERS MARIO IMPEMBA & ROD ALLEN DID THE PLAY BY PLAY

MARIO
We are so pleased to be here in Utica for the annual fireworks extravaganza put on by the McCarty family. What should our viewers watch for tonight?

ROD
Well, first and foremost, these McCarty brothers are fearless. Without question. You young kids should not try this at home. But here, on Acme Mosquito Stix X-Mo, is a replay of Steve McCarty in 2002 lighting a short fuse, and quickly tucking his body, hitting the lawn and rolling away, using all his hands to propel himself before the 124 bottle rockets taped together explode. 

MARIO
Very nice! And we’re getting under way here tonight. First up, Kelly McCarty, editor of the McCarty Metro, he’ll be launching …

ROD
Yes, I read The Metro from cover to cover. And we applaud columnist Jerry McCarty for his recent award for …

MARIO
Hold that thought, Rod. Kelly is launching a three-stage, double-fuse teleburst with spreading, aerial blossoms. It’s a dangerous maneuver, but it’s, it’s, YES, YES, we have ignition and Kelly rolls away and …wait, something’s wrong!

ROD
Right, pardner. This much we do know, the wicks went out. I’m not sure, but it looks like Kelly’s thumb may have accidentally struck the burning wicks just before his roll-away, therefore marring his stellar contact-to-damage ratio.

MARIO
At least Kelly is safe and secure with Acme Fireworks Life Insurance. He is up, and he is inspecting the launch pad. And now he has a lighter and … 

ROD
He’s going to light that too-short double fuse! Get away, big fella! Mario, where are you?

MARIO
I’m behind this beautiful Acme cooler, Rod. It comes in three sizes and is available in a store near you.

TWO HOURS LATER ….

MARIO
Glad you could join us for the post-fireworks show. It was quite a night here in suburban Detroit. We had some beautiful fireworks, and a few errant launches. Rod?

ROD
Right you are, Mario. Here is the post-show fireworks injury report, brought to you by Beaumont Hospitals. Kelly McCarty singed his fingers and sprained a thumb, Steve McCarty singed his fingers and cut his face. 

MARIO
Cut his face? 

ROD
Yes, when he lit that one and rolled into the rock structure at his house. Jerry McCarty was in from L.A. and his moustache caught on fire briefly. Rick McCarty lit one and fell over Dennis’ lawn chair, but no injuries to either brother, to speak of. Larry McCarty took a stray bottle rocket to the back, but the alert McCarty brothers immediately put butter on it, and Larry says he doesn’t even feel it. And Mike McCarty is in the hospital with another head injury.

MARIO
Just because he tried to light a wick that was too short?

ROD
No, he went to the hospital because, after he lit it, he stepped back and fell off Steve’s deck and landed head first into a grill. 

MARIO
He couldn’t have, the cookout was over.

ROD
No, his head hit the grill of a runaway car, which just happened to veer off the road and into backyards. Freaky, huh?

MARIO
That wraps up our injury report, and thanks …

ROD
Uh, we have a few more injuries, pardner. But they were only spectators, and the injuries were minor. Five bottle rockets flew into the crowd or sprayed embers, but a cold dish rag took the hurt right out. 

MARIO
So, there you have it. One of the most impressive Fourth of July shows in McCarty history. And one of the safest … for the McCartys.

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