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From Our October, 1994 Edition

Well, I've just about had it with the way these crummy McCarty Grandbrats eat everything in sight until they can't eat no more! It makes me more upset than Andy McCarty's stomach after three extra large pizzas.

These McCarty kids today think they are in a restaurant or something, "Ohh, I'll have Duck a l'Orange with Beaujolais' sauce!" Well... Excuse me while I puke. Blah!!! When I was a kid, we got no variety. Steak & Gravy on Monday, Chicken & Gravy on Tuesday, Pork Chops & Gravy on Wednesday, and on Thursdays we'd have Gravy Stew! And on Fridays, if you didn't like Tuna Pot Pies, you got nothing! Or else you had to wait to get cold Kraft Dinner from Grandma's house. But we ate our food and we loved it! 

And then these kids today need fancy schmancy desserts like cake, pie, and pumpkin delight. When I was a kid, we were lucky to get any dessert. Then one day in 1975, my Dad got 30 gallons of butterscotch pudding that the demolition workers found when they were tearing down Grace Hospital. I ate that crappy pudding from age 13 to 17. Sure it was about 3 years past the expiration date, but we ate our pudding and we loved it!

And when you ask these kids today what they want to drink, they say things like Pepsi or Mountain Dew. When I was a kid, we had a choice of two things to drink with your meals. You either got milk, or you got nothing! And it wasn't that wimpy 2% or 1/2% low fat milk. Our milk was 100% fat and we loved it! And if that wasn't enough fat for us, we would put chocolate milk in it until the fat was just floating in the glass. You needed a putty knife to scrape off your milk mustache in those days!

So, all you McCarty parents out there, whatever you do, do not spoil your kids with these lavish meals. Instead do what my parents did and feed 'em crap! Then wait until the little brats go to bed and then order a PooPoo Platter for yourself and watch the Tonight Show!

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