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Well, it’s February and that means those McCarty Grandbrats will be huddled around their TV Sets watching the 2010 Winter Olympics from Vancouver.  I can picture those Winter Wussies rooting on the USA in a bunch of sports that they never even played.  These Winter Olympic Sports are nothing compared to the things we used to do in the winter when I was a kid. 

Oh you can bet those Lazy Loafers will tune in for the Luge Competition.   I can picture those European Lugers wearing those skin-tight nylon suits with Big Jim and the Twins displayed for everyone to see.  When we were kids we used to go down hills at Rouge Park in a plastic saucer and we didn’t need no fancy schmancy outfits.  My Dad, would go down the hill in a Trench Coat and a Fedora with a Pall Mall cigarette hanging out of his mouth.   Sure he rolled out of the saucer and ended up in a snow bank, but he didn’t care he loved it!  

And then those Figure Skating Loving Losers will be rooting on all of those ice dancers who will be doing Double Axels and Hamel Camels to some song that I never even heard of.   And all of those McCarty wives will get all teary-eyed watching a gay guy lift up a 70 lb girl and spin around on one foot on an ice rink that has been Zambonied so many times you can see yourself in it.  When we were kids we used to make an ice rink in the backyard by packing snow in a circle and then flooding it with the garden hose.  Then we would go out there and slide around in skates, boots, or tennis shoes.  Whatever you had was fine.  Sure, you had to be careful because there were always things sticking up through the ice like grass, patio blocks, or even a rake, but we didn’t care we loved it!!  Cause we were happy to have our very own ice skating rink.

And those Sports Spazzes will be watching  the Biathlon, where they cross country ski and shoot a gun.  Fiddle Foey!!  If they want to have a tough sport, they should have an event where they ride a Stingray bicycle in a blizzard and deliver newspapers.   We had to go out every day in February with 200 pounds of newspapers in a saddlebag and try to pedal a crappy bike.   Sure the chain would fall off and we would have frozen snot on our faces, but we didn’t care we loved it!  Because we were happy to be earning $28 a week.

So you stay in front of your TV watching those Winter Olympics and while you are seeing if we can edge out Lithuania in the Medal Count, I’m going to fly back to Detroit and going to our old house on Sussex.   Then I’m gonna flood the backyard with a garden hose and have an Old-Fashioned Olympics.  So if you want to enter an event just find me, I’ll be the guy with riding around with frozen snot on his face and getting chased by some guy with a Frozen Rake.

Go USA!!

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