Due
to the Coronavirus and many families being
quarantined this month, Bradric Productions
and The McCarty Metro are moving up their 9th
Annual McCarty
Metro Film Project. The event will take place from
March 24 - March 31, 2020. The event is open to all. We are looking for people get an
idea of a film in accordance with the rules posted on this website
on March 24, then over
the next 7 days, write, act, direct and produce a short 4 minute or less movie and
submit it to the McCarty Metro by 11:59 pm Tuesday, March 31.
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DATELINE: ROCHESTER,
MICHIGAN
The 13th
annual Dan McCarty / UHY Cares Texas Holdem event was held
on Thursday, February 13th at Petruzzello’s
on Rochester Road. It was a fantastic venue, and it hosted
over 190 players and guests. The event was to raise money
to help local families and charities around the Detroit
area. At nights end, we raised in excess of $42,000. Steve
McCarty, the CEO of UHY, and the entire UHY team would
like to thank all the players, sponsors, and workers who
helped make this years' event such a huge success.
Congratulations to Rob Zvonik who won this years
championship bracelet.
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DATELINE: AUGUSTA,
MICHIGAN
GULL LAKE
36 IS JUST A COUPLE MONTHS OUT - McCARTYS ARE BACK!!!
After missing
the tournament with two knee replacements over the last 2
years, founding member Kelly McCarty is back! He won the
tournament in 2016, and was hobbling around the following
year and was not able to successfully defend the title. Also
back is Steve McCarty who is looking for the green jacket
and joining other McCartys Rick, Dan, and Kelly as
champions. Notice that Wednesday we're only playing 18 holes with a later tee time to enable those not staying Tuesday night.
Mike W is hoping to set up the barbeque on Wednesday night if everyone agrees. We need a minimum of eight to schedule the barbeque. You'll notice the change of Bedford on Friday it's having work done on it Wednesday and a tournament Thursday.
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TEE
TIMES
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Wednesday, May 20, 2020
Stonehedge South 10:30 am --- 10:48 am
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Thursday, May 21, 2020
Gull Lake View East 9:36 am --- 9:54 am
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Gull Lake View West 3:00 pm --- 3:18 pm
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Friday, May 22, 2020
Bedford Valley 9:09 am --- 9:27 am
DATELINE:
McCARTY METRO
PIGSKIN PICKEM WINNER
Super
Bowl 54 is finished, and the NFL and the McCarty Metro we
are crowning brand new champions. Congratulations to the
Kansas City Chiefs on winning the big game on the field,
and Brad M who won our 9th Annual Pigskin Pickem
Tournament.
Not only Brad finish with the most points in the Super
Bowl (150 points out of a possible 200), but he also set
an all time record in season and post season points with
1061. That is the first time anyone got over 1000. Old
record was set by Plagueis at 991 in 2017. Congratulations
Brad!
I would
also like to thank everyone who played this year. The
entire NFL season lasts 5 months, and I commend you for
your efforts and coming back weekly to make your
selections. I also am looking forward to next season's
Pigskin Pickem. If you would like to see the final
standings, please click visit our Pigskin
Pickem
page.
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A colonoscopy
is a must for people over the age of 50. To prep for this
procedure, the day before, your doctor will have you drink
10 ox of Magnesium Citrate. Here is a timeline of what happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium
Citrate.
12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You eat a handful of chips, It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
Is that blood???? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench
what's left of your butt hole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your butt.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have crapped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butt now feels like you have
flaming hot Cheeto's and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You're now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.
You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: You're broken.... Your butt hole is broken.... Your spirit's broken....
Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up,
throw on the only remaining pair of underwear have and you're going to
go to your colonoscopy appointment with the last shred of dignity you have left...and
on the way back, buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
DATELINE:
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA
During the
annual computer expo (COMDEX) in Las Vegas, Bill Gates
make the proclamation, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”.
General Motors immediately issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For
no reason your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side
of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you
could continue. And you would simply accept
this.
- Occasionally, doing a maneuver such as a left turn
causes your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
- The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car
Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning
light.
- The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?”
Before deploying.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- When a new car is bought, you would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
Below are
some actual headlines from newspapers around the world
reporting the real news of the day
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!!! Taking one for
the team!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Must be that new Gorilla tape everyone's
talking about?
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
I hear they taste a little like
chicken.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
huh!
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Here are some of the recent travel destinations from our
faithful readers.
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Larry traveled to France to complete some binness (oh la
la)
Dan, Mary Jo, & Brianna went for fun in the sun in
Florida
Several of the Grand Rapids Mcs went down to Disney
World
Amanda had a girls weekend down in Arizona with friends
Did you travel for work or
vacation? Send us your destination and pictures to mccartymetro@gmail.com
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Dear Editor: I like
to scare my grandkids. It's fun to see them
terrified. Have you ever scared anyone? -Gramps
ED
NOTE: I remember I scared the mailman once by showing up to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I
knew where he lived. Either way, keep on terrifying
those kids, but keep eyes in the back of your head
because paybacks are hell!
Dear Editor: Someone told me, "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." What does this mean? That when you march you get tired and slow down?
-Baffled in Hudsonville
ED
NOTE: I think you are almost right on the marching
thing, however, you don't get tired and slow down, rather,
people just go completely mad and insane! That's where March
Madness gets it's name from. Speaking of March Madness... Why can't you play the Final Four in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs.
My advice... Take a shower in April, then go on the
Mayflower.
Dear Editor: Now that you're retired from
Fraser, do you get more sleep? -X Coworker
ED
NOTE: Actually, I don't. I get the same 4 hours a day sleep as
when I worked for the district... Of course that goes with the
8 hours each night.
We
appreciate our McCarty Metro readers and always want to hear your questions, comments, rants,
or editorials.
Just submit them anytime during the month to to mccartymetro@gmail.com
for inclusion in the next issue.
For those
that do not speak the language, Le' Food is French for
"The Food"! I would like to encourage our readers to submit their favorite
recipes to the McCarty Metro at mccartymetro@gmail.com
for inclusion in upcoming issues. This month we have a
great treat.
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TRY
THIS TASTY DISH FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY
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IRISH
SHEPHERD'S PIE
1 tablespoon olive oil
2-3 large carrots, finely diced
1 medium yellow onion, diced
1 tsp. black pepper
11/2 tsp. dried thyme
1 lb. ground lamb or beef
1 Tbsp. butter
1 cup frozen peas
2 Tbsp. flour
1/2 cup red wine
2 Tbsp. tomato paste
4 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 cup beef stock, low sodium or Guinness beer
5-6 cups mashed potatoes, leftovers or fresh
1 egg, beaten
Fresh grated parmesan cheese for topping
DIRECTIONS:
Pre-heat oven to 400°F.
Heat large skillet on medium heat. Add olive oil. Add carrots to pan and sauté until slightly tender.
Add onions and sauté for one minute and add the ground meat, pepper and thyme.
Cook until the meat is browned, drain and return to pan.
Stir in the butter, peas and flour. Then add tomato paste, wine, Worcestershire sauce and stock/beer.
Simmer to reduce the mixture down until you have a thick meaty mixture. Add additional seasonings as desired. Remove from heat.
Grease/spray with non-stick spray a 9 inch deep dish pie pan. Add meat and vegetable mixture to the pan.
Spread mashed potatoes over the top. *If using leftovers, reheat slightly to increase the ease of spreading.
Brush with beaten egg and dust the top with Parmesan cheese.
Bake 20-25 minutes or until the potatoes are light brown on top.
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You can submit videos by sending it to
me, send me a link, or uploading to YouTube and sending me the
info to mccartymetro@gmail.com
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY JERRY
In honor of
Jerry's birthday, here is Jerry singing
the 1st song we ever wrote
together as Cockroaches
CHECK
YOUR VOICEMAIL
One of the
funniest voicemails you will ever
hear on your answering machine!
CORONAVIRUS
INFO
Dr. Lin
informs us on what to do,
and reasons not to panic.
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PLEASE
PRAY FOR OUR METRO FAMILY AND FRIENDS
If you know
someone who could use our prayers, please email me at mccartymetro@gmail.com.
GONE
BUT NOT FORGOTTEN - THOSE WHO HAVE PASSED AWAY
SINCE THE LAST ISSUE
John Andretti, 56, racing driver (NASCAR Cup
Series, CART), colon cancer. Fred Silverman, 82, television producer (Scooby-Doo, The
Waltons, Charlie's Angels) and executive, CEO of NBC (1978–1981), cancer.
Kirk Douglas, 103, actor (Spartacus, Paths of Glory, Seven Days in May), Honorary Oscar winner (1996). Orson
Bean, 91, actor (Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Being John Malkovich) and game show panelist (To Tell the Truth), traffic collision.
Robert Conrad, 84, actor (The Wild Wild West, Baa Baa Black Sheep), heart failure. Kellye
Nakahara, 72, actress (M*A*S*H, Clue, 3 Ninjas Kick Back) and artist, cancer.
Ja'Net DuBois, actress (Good Times, The PJs) and singer (The Jeffersons theme).
Sy Sperling, 78, Hair Club for Men founder and client. Hosni
Mubarak, 91, Egyptian President (1981–2011), Prime Minister (1981–1982) and Vice-President (1975–1981). Katherine
Johnson, 101, mathematician for NASA, and subject of
the movie Hidden Figures.
Larry traveled to France to complete some binness (oh la
la)
