Things To Remember At The Reception

* If Uncle Jack Houtteman says "Hey, pull my finger", just walk away
* Make sure everyone knows that Wally is NOT a McCarty
* If you see Aunt Kate, tell her it is customary to tip the head waiter
* It is important to at least pretend to like the disc jockey
* Men standing up with Steve...NO open mouth kisses in the reception line
* If you see an LC Production cameraman, beat him senseless

5 Keys To A Happy Marriage

1.Showering should be optional on the wedding day
2. Make sure the word "obey" is slipped in during the vows
3. A good toast is important. It should Make people laugh, it should make people cry.........I elect Mike 
4.Don't get into small petty arguments like putting the toilet seat down or putting the cap on the toothpaste. Get into big ones like "how long you should wait to go swimming after you eat" 
5 .Keep Wally out of the house

Timetable Of Events 

5:00 AM - Steve wakes up, calls Kristen to profess his unending love, then quickly apologizes to the sleepy woman he woke up with his wrong number
6:30 AM - Kristen arrives home from her last night out as a free woman....she decides it would be best to forget Donnie Desire and marry Steve anyway
5:00 PM - Steve trips and falls coming down aisle, picks himself up real fast, and says to Aunt Mary "I meant to do that"
5:45 PM - Priest turns to Wally and asks if he has the ring. Wally says "Sure thing holy dude"
7:32:00 - Mike askes to be recognized to deliver a toast
7:32:02 - Mike concludes his toast
10:26 - Wally and Dennis fight over garter. Dennis says he wanted to treat the girl who caught the bouquet to his "Garter Dance" . Aunt Loretta says "NO WAY" and keeps the bouquet.
1:00 AM - The police are called 

More Wedding News

When Mary Ann Murray was married a couple years ago, she and her husband decided not to do a lot of the "traditional" things that are normally done at wedding receptions. Steve and Kristen have also decided to omit many of "traditional" things that are normally done at "McCarty Wedding Receptions" 

The new rules are...

* Ushers must keep their shirts on at dinner
* If you want Steve and Kristen to kiss, you will have to "clink" your glasses... not just belch really loud
* DJ...No going for the grape throwing record
* Kelly...no smashing records on stage
* McCartys must eat their potato chips 1 at a time
* Larry...no video cameras allowed...you will just hurt the family
* Mike....Don't sing
* Better yet, don't let any McCarty sing
* No using the water balloon sling shot to throw the bouquet and garter
* If Kelly starts doing that Mick Jaegger thing with his lips, get 
him out of there
* No firearms allowed (Rick and Margaret)
* To the McCartys attending from down south....Words like "weeee-doggies" will not be tolerated
* Rick...there will be no arm wrestling your aunts and uncles for money
* Jerry and Dennis....No hitting on the married ones
* The finger bowls are not to be substituted as a black olive pit holder
* If one of Kristens female relatives ask to play a polka....Don't get out a deck of cards and say "Strip???"
* If Steve gets drunk and thinks he's the "Six Million Dollar Man", point him in the direction of the bathroom and let him run there in slow-motion
* Just have a great time....But don't let the fight get too out of hand 

JERRY'S WORLD

After watching Kelly & Margaret's whale vacation videos from Boston, I'm madder than George Perott at a weight watcher clinic. These McCarty kid's are spoiled with all these fancy schmancy vacations.

When I was a kid, we didn't go on vacations. I remember one year I had to write a paper on "What I Did on My Summer Vacation". I turned in a paper with the word "Nothin'" written across the top. We didn't do anything and we didn't go anywhere, but we loved it anyway.

We didn't need to go anywhere to have fun. Our Mom and Dad would send us off to the local park. At the park, we were taken care of by some deranged, shell-shocked, ex-Vietnam vet park director with missing digits. He would teach us how to make plaques, lace, and once in a while he would uncork a fire hydrant and let us run through the water screaming like crazed animals. Except for being molested, we loved it!

And how about Rick and Kathy. Their kids have been to Cedar Point, Disney World, and lots of other amusement parks. I'm sick of those kids, "....Oh, we went on Space Mountain", "..Ohhh we LIKE the Demon Drop". Yeah, I bet when they're on the ride, they are screaming like babies, with their eyes closed and puking their corndogs all over their parents. When I was a kid, if we wanted a ride, we got in an empty cardboard box at the top of the basement stairs and pushed ourselves off. Some times we got hurt and sometimes we didn't, but we loved it anyway!

Don't spoil your kids with these powderpuff vacations. Instead of out of town trips, take them running down hills, to the zoo, or just to the park. But, most importantly... ...and read this very carefully. Please, Please! do not take videotapes of them! We've seen enough to know that we have seen enough.