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THE BEST OF
From
Our January 1994 Edition |
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 ll, how come every time there is a little snow, every weather forecaster in the world thinks they need to be the one to predict the most snow? 5 inches, no 8 inches, no wait... 2 1/2 feet, or it's a snow emergency, or maybe a winter storm warning. Listening to this whining about winter makes me hotter than a kerosene hand warmer without that little fabric cover that you put over it.
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And these news reporters have to panic every driver in the city.
"Ohhh please be sure and put a warm blanket and food rations in your trunk in case you are stranded!" Why don't they just tell us to place cyanide capsules under our tongues in case the streets don't get plowed? When I was a kid, my dad wasn't scared of any old snowfall and he sure didn't need to keep Spam in the trunk. All he had in the trunk was a bunch of bricks to keep his car from spinning out as he fishtailed down the freeway bouncing off the guard rails. And if he got stuck, he just rammed a snow shovel under the tire and stepped on the gas until he smelled burning rubber, or you got his car unstuck. And if you weren't careful, the snow shovel could shoot out and impale some innocent pedestrian. Sure it was dangerous, but we loved it', because we weren’t afraid of the snow and we did what we wanted. |
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Now you have these pansy public service announcements telling you to clear all the snow from your car's windshield, headlights, and brake lights.
Fooey!! What kind of crap are they teaching kids in driver's training? I was taught how to drive the old-fashioned way. Just scrape a small view finder hole in the windshield and drive really fast so the snow just flies off the car, blinding all the drivers behind you. And that’s the way driving used to be, and we loved it!
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And nowadays, they even tell you how to dress your kids. I can just see those McCarty brats going to school wearing their sissy thermal, down-filled, nylon jackets with Velcro on
'em. When I was a kid, all I had was a crummy, ripped up, hand me down jacket from my older brother with a hood that was halfway torn off. And to make sure I stayed warm; my mom would pull the zipper up really high until my Adam's Apple was wedged in the zipper. Sure I got permanent scars and I froze my butt off, but I loved it! Because I was happy with what I had, and I didn't have to worry about anybody stealing my crummy jacket. |
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So, this winter, don't listen to those "sky is falling" weathermen and don't worry about the snow. Just face the snow the old-fashioned way like we used to! Or else, go run off to some sissy state like Tennessee or Texas! |
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