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THE BEST OF
From
Our May, 2002 Edition |
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 ll, it's
springtime, and that means those little McCarty college
brats will be getting ready for spring break. Just
thinking about those little sorority sissies makes my butt
ache more than being paddled by the board of education in
Mr. Rowan's Wood Shop Class. Oh, those little fraternity
freeloaders think they got it all figured out. They go to
college and sit in the student union and eat junk food and
play video games, then they party all night with their
friends. Then they take a sociology class so that nobody
is the wiser, and it's all paid for by their gullible
parents. Well I got news for you kiddies, I'm hip to what
is going on here and I'm gonna put a stop to it. I'm
calling my brothers and going to have you all transferred
to a crappy school like I went to.
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I
went to Macomb Community College, which had no gym, no
sports teams, and no campus housing. It was like going to
a really bad high school and paying for it. And you didn't
have to worry about being distracted by your friends
because that community college was filled with divorcees
and old women. These ladies waited for their kids to grow
up, move out, and then decided to come back to school so
they could bother somebody else's kids. We had senile
women asking questions every two seconds, but we didn't
care, we were happy to be in college. |
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And
those McCarty brats love to take those physical
education classes. I'm sure there are a lot of careers
in aerobics and weightlifting. When I went to Macomb you
had two choices of classes to take. You either took
fencing, or you took nothing. And we had Coach Oderico,
who was some part-time creative writing teacher who wore
sweatpants. And the only thing Coach Oderico ever taught
me about fencing was to put my face shield on so I
didn't get poked in the eye. Sure, I was blinded and
scarred, but I learned how to do a really good lunge. |
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And
these undergraduate underachievers have to have a big
commencement ceremony. They will graduate in a big
stadium with parents packing the bleachers. And if I
have to see another picture of one of my brothers
wearing his kid's cap and gown, I am going to throw up.
When I graduated from Macomb, we had the ceremony at the
Imperial Lanes bowling alley across the street from the
college. And the commencement speaker was the guy who
passed out the rental shoes. I have tried to live my
life on his inspiring words (below...) And I'm a better man for it!!! |
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