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THE BEST OF

From Our  May 1994 Edition

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ll, nowadays, as soon as a commercial comes on, I grab the remote control and go channel surfing faster than Moon Doggie on the old Gidget movies. These crappy commercials from today make me more upset than Mr. Whipple after a big dump with no Charmin!

When I was a kid, we had good commercials with good dialog. "Take out Funny Bone - HA! HA! HA!. Now that was humor! These commercials today spend the whole 60 seconds with the camera jumping around faster than Flying Fred Curry in a frying pan. Who's holding the camera, Howard Cosell? I guess they figure if they hold the camera still, we might see what crap we're buying.

And these celebrity endorsements drive me nuts. If I gotta see that Metro Tire commercial with Probie once more, I'm gonna go find Dwayne-Buddy and stick that cellular phone up his butt. It's been 3 years... WE GET IT!!! Celebrity endorsements when I was a kid consisted of Mr. Belvedere showing you some fat lady's aluminum siding while his phone number flashed across his chest. Sure he was nasal and boring, but we loved it! 

And nowadays, you got all of these products advertised that we used to get our mouths washed out for talking about. You can't watch a show without seeing feminine protection, women's underpants, or June Allison peeing all over herself. When I was a kid, the dirtiest commercial we had was trying to get kids to say, "You sunk my Battleship!" while holding their tongue.

I've had it with these crummy commercials, I'm boycotting all products that advertise on TV. I'm only buying products that are advertised in the magazines I read. So from this point forward on birthdays and holidays, you can expect Joy Buzzers, X-Ray Glasses, Sea Monkeys...

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