ll,  it’s March and that means those McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for Easter. Just thinking about those Lenten Losers makes me feel more rotten than 2-week-old Easter Eggs. Easter was way more fun when we were kids.

You can bet these Dyeing Derelicts will be using environmentally safe, non-toxic, water-based, pastel, food coloring dye on their Easter Eggs. Those eggs will have about as much color as the winner’s podium at the Snow Boarding Competition. When I was a kid we used oil-based toxic dyes chemical dyes that you would put 3 drops in water and swirl your egg around in different colors. Sure most of the eggs turned out black and our fingers would have dye on them for about 4 weeks, but we didn’t care, we loved it!!

And I can just see all of these Healthy Hypocrites giving their kids boring healthy snacks. They will have Crai-sons, Fruit Snacks, Granola Bars, Hummus, and Celery. Fiddle Fooey! When I was a kid, our baskets were filled with real candy. We had Jelly Beans, Peeps, Chocolate Footballs, Cadbury Eggs, and a giant Solid Chocolate Easter Rabbit. Sure we would have to pick the candy out of the green plastic toxic imitation grass in the bottom of our Easter Basket and we’d break a tooth on the solid chocolate bunny, but we didn’t care we loved it!! 

And I can picture those Epicurean Idiots with their fancy schmancy Easter Dinners. “Ewwwwww. We will start with an Apricot Glazed Spiral Cut Ham with a Rhubarb Chutney and a Carrot Lemon Risotto”. I don’t even know what half of that stuff is. When I was a kid, we got a Honey Baked Ham and my Mom would poor some Ginger Ale over it. And for side dishes we got cracked hard boiled eggs and potato salad. Sure, we would be eating Ham sandwiches for weeks, but we didn’t care, we loved it!

So while you losers are eating your fancy dinner with pastel colored eggs and sugar-free candy, I’m going to have an Old Fashioned Easter like we used to! I’ll be sitting in the corner with a Ham sandwich, picking green plastic grass out of my teeth and ripping off loud, toxic, hard-boiled egg farts!

Happy Easter!

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