WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION

Now that the summer is almost over, the Metro decided to share with its readers what everyone was up to this past summer.
.
Mike: Mike got Woodstock fever. Karen wouldn't let him go to upstate New York so while Karen and the kids were in Arcadia, Mike let the sprinklers run all night and allowed the neighborhood kids the next day to slide around in the mud while he played "Little Red Riding Hood" on his acoustic guitar. Says Mike, "It was an entire weekend of peace, love, and kool-aid". 
.
Dennis: The 3 B's. (beaches, babes and Bendix)
.
Rick: Got awfully muddy.
.
DJ: Doing the "Golf" thing and playing his favorite game "Operation" (or was it playing his favorite game "Golf" and doing the "Operation" thing...it varies from summer to summer).
.
Larry: The familys' 5 year training program has finally paid off. They placed 3rd in the Lebanon Triathalon. They started poorly in the compulsarys
(horseshoe game and hog call). Carla made up ground in the Possum Pie tasting contest, but what really put them near the top was the big production number at the end of the show. The whole family tap danced and sang to the theme of Petticoat Junction while Larry shot off fireworks in the middle of the day.
.
Kelly: Vacationed in the French Riveria while the kids enjoyed the slopes in the Swiss Alps. Rosie (their dog) has been seen hob-knobbing around tinseltown with Benji.
.
Jerry: Was a victim of this summers biggest tradgedy. No, not the Clinton Crime Bill, were talking about the infamous Jim Muer Oldsmobile Hostage Crisis.
.
Steve: Heard about a great car repair shop in Ohio so they decided to check it out.
.
Mom: 5 words. Bee eye and gee oh !!!!!!!

IT'S THE LAW 

I was contacted by several of the members of the McCarty family regarding the possibility of any other outstanding assets because some believe that everyone is related to someone rich or important (same thing, isn't it?). It seems that one of the McCarty brother's family has come into a inheritance from the Van Kamp family and the others would like to have the ten dollars he's got coming from Aunt Kate split evenly between the rest. Now I don't know who's told you that you are going to each get $10 or anywhere near that amount--that is pure speculation on your part (I got the pure speculation line from Hamilton Burger on an old Perry Mason episode). Besides, if that is the value of each of your shares, any reduction from one brother will automatically go to the conservator (ME) and not to any of the inheritors (YOU).

Through my latest investigations (the cost of which by the way will be outlined in my next monthly letter to each of you), I found that Aunt Kate had ties to the Van Go family. This family bought every available velvet painting of Elvis in an attempt to corner the market on the King. When the run on the Elvis memorabilia never materialized, the Van Go family set up sale outlets on gas station corners around the country to move the merchandise. Even then, they were forced to sell these fabulous works at a mere fraction of the prices they paid for the paintings. At any rate, the family has receipts to show that the cash that was collected went for DQ chocolate shakes and Lik-a-maid and Pepsi. I can see that. I mean if you ever had to sweat in the hot sun and sell some crap product just because your family wanted to instill some pie-in-the-sky work ethic in your worthless hide while your friends ran around laughing at you saying "I don't have to do anything that I don't want to, but you do-do-duty hole" all the while they're eating Good Humor Bars with money their parents gave them just keep the little terds away from the house while they suck up martinis in front of the big screen TV until they have to turn down the sound and pretend nobody is home whenever the paperboy rings the doorbell, then you'd understand why you need to spend your collection money on the bare essentials like Dilly Bars and Squirrels. What I'm getting at is, there might not be much left to the estate besides candy wrappers and used straws so don't get your hopes up too high.

P.S. To any brother and their family who may need legal assistance in doling out a family fortune, I am available and I have previous experience in getting the most out of, I mean for, my clients. Please call me at 1-800-HIREAJU if you have any money, but please don't call if you don't because this 800 line costs me money.

DEAR CRABBY

This is a column for losers seeking advice or nincompoops with stupid questions. We won't print names so your anonymity will be protected.

Dear Crabby: Being a former hockey goalie and now a father of 4 kids who think I should have make pro, I would like your comment on who had the ugliest mask, Gerry Cheevers or Jacques Plante?

DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS RAISED SKATING AND CLEANING COW DOO ON A FARM IN HORSE MANURE, ALBERTA. I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HECK THOSE GUYS ARE, BUT THE UGLIEST HOCKEY MASK I EVER SAW WAS THIS RIDICULOUS THING MY OLDEST BROTHER WORE WHEN HE PLAYED. IT WAS SO UGLY, EVEN JASON FROM THE FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIES WOULDN'T WEAR IT BECAUSE YOU COULD DEFEAT HIM EASILY BY KNOCKING A PUCK OFF ALL THE PARTS OF HIS FACE IT DIDN'T COVER UP

Dear Crabby: I am a divorced father of two. When on a date, is it necessary for me to say "Excuse Me" if I burp at a dinner table in a crowded restaurant?

NO. YOU SHOULD READ MY EDIQUETTE GUIDE FOR DATING. IT STATES IN A RESTAURANT, A BURP SHOULD BE FOLLOWED BY "OHHH, THAT WAS GOOD". A LOUD BURP "OHHH, MORE ROOM". A FART "WHOOOO WEEEE". AN SBD "INCOMING". THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE TO SAY EXCUSE ME IS IF YOU GET CAUGHT TRYING TO LEAVE WITHOUT PAYING.

Dear Crabby: I am 6'3" and will be a freshman in high school. My dad is a slave driver. He has put me through some of the most torturous basketball practices this summer. He is probably just trying to satisfy his own inadequacies. How can I tell him to ease off?

YOU DON'T. BUT WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW YOU SON OF A....

AT THE MOVIES

Clear and Present Danger: Follow the most feared dog in the neighborhood "Rex" around town as he terrorizes children during an ordinary week on Sussex. This mongrel will chase anything that moves regardless of what you do. This flick provides a wild cross between Cujo and Jurassic Park leaving the moviegoer struggling to escape from limbo or Coyle Park. Don't go to the candycounter during the Shopping News scene when Mike gives all the papers to the crazed dog who mistakes the move as sign of affection before he proceeds to smother the paperboy with animal lust giving the picture an R rating. Cover your pant legs on the way out of the theatre.

Blankman: This film about the Backyard Mechanic is a short subject about the language used in the garage during a typical fix-it job. Regardless of how well or bad the job is going, you can count on every other word being choice. Its either "BLANKETTY- BLANK" this or "BLANK-BLANK-BLANK" that from start to finish so its kind of typical of movies these days. Take your earplugs!

True Lies: Listen to all the stories the McCarty kids tell their parents and grandparents to avoid getting in trouble for the mischief they get into. They all swear its the truth, but one begins to suspect they may be lying when the tales get too tall. "I only had one pop, I swear it!" becomes a little hard to accept after they're seen peeing Cherry Coke in the bushes out back. "Can I have a drumstick and I won't ask for anything else!" Anything else from this parent for at least the next hour because they'll be too busy asking the other parent for a Nutty Buddy before the ice cream lick on their upper lip melts. "I'll eat a heaping, overflowing bowl of cereal I promise" is as hard to swallow as the cereal evidently because the bowl with a large napkin can be found sitting in the sink while some kid skips around the house with a half-drunk Pepsi sometime before noon. You can miss the premier because this one'll being playing in a house near you.

Mask: See how the Zorro Mask transforms mild-mannered Mike McCarty into a famous superhero of yesteryear. This little piece of plastic and cape cause the young man to believe he is the swashbuckler of the past and he roams the neigh- borhood challenging kids of all ages to swordfights. Take the kids to this one--even though doctors now treat these delusions with prescription medicines. 

THE JEAN V MCCARTY CRIME BILL

Now that Bill Clinton's Crime Bill has been rejected by congress, Jean McCarty has submitted her own version which makes the following items criminal offenses.

JERRY'S WORLD

Yippee! School is almost starting again. These summer vacations are getting longer every year. Pretty soon, these rotten McCarty kids will be starting school after Thanksgiving and quiting before Christmas! And you can bet those brats would still be complaining on their first day back. These kids don't know how good they have it. The first day of school is nothing compared to when I was a kid.

Nowadays, these kids are driven to school and dropped off right at the door by their parents. Those McCarty brats wouldn't dream of walking. When I was a kid, we wouldn't have been caught dead being driven by our parents. You might as well put a sign on your chest that said "I'm a dork! Beat me up, knock my books out of my hands, and give me a swirlie." We walked to school or we got the crap kicked out of us and we loved it!

And now all these kids get their own private lockers. Oh la- de-da, "We need our privacy". These kid's don't know how life can be when you get some big fat sweaty kid as your locker partner. Oh, the fat kids would always bring egg salad sandwiches and put them on the floor of the locker. By the end of the week my books, pencils, and jacket all smelled like a fart. But we learned to live with it and we was better for it!

And how about these teachers today. "Oh we're striking! We don't get paid enough! We need smaller classrooms! Blah, Blah, Blah!" When I was a kid, we didn't have those problems. They used to hire drunken, derelicts, with criminal records for teachers. They didn't care how many kids were in a class, because it was just more kids to beat and humiliate. One time, Mrs. Collins drank a whole fifth of Jack Daniels in music class while we were watching a film strip. She couldn't have cared less about the size of the class or the fact that all of our hair was all wet and our clothes smelled like egg salad.

BASEBALL STRIKE? WHO CARES!

When these prissy and pompous polecats persist in pugnacious pugilism with their onerous occurrent owners as they pirate the proverbial pasttime in front of a pulchritude public, it makes me want to puke. Sufferin' succotash, my speaker is stuck in alliteration mode! Bbbbbbttttthhhh! There, that's better!

Back to the subject of the baseball strike. When I was a kid, I'd give my right arm (and sometimes I did) just to lean against a fence with nothing more than my Ray Oyler glove and a pair of short pants just to have Modo throw 80 MPH hardballs at me. I didn't ask for money or even a cup. It was my pleasure to act as a backstop to a 20-something has-been just to get close to the game that Abner Doubledare invented some ten million years ago. In fact, when Yogi Bear said that it was a game of inches, I like to think he was talking about me protecting my manhood in front of that fence at the park. I know I was way more interested in getting a new Louisville Slugger and going to the park than in going to school which is why I ended up at MSU.

But these prima-donnas nowadays have to have everything handed to them on a silver platter or else they won't play. They get million dollar contracts, babes, endorsements, cars, babes, TV appearances, babes, movie roles, babes, free chewing gum, babes, babes, and more babes. These guys get everything and we don't get anything except the chance to pay more for a seat after these jerks come back! Well I'm not gonna wait for this to happen. I'm starting a league in direct competition to these guys and I figure that if I get enough of a following, we might be the ones to get the big money and the babes. So, I'll be placing calls to all the former members of the Coyle Park teams asking whether they want to return to their former glory at the plate. Tom Brown was interested until I told him it wasn't the dinner plate. Now I don't want anybody to give up a good paying gig (like Boog Nivala at ACO Hardware), but if you want to take a chance at the big time, give me a call. By the way, if anybody has the Jascots phone number, please pass it on to me.

SCAREY! ISN'T IT?

I'm sure everyone knows about the "so-called" similarities between Abraham Lincoln and JFK. Denise and I stayed up to 3 AM and jotted down all the similarities between the Russos and the McCartys. We're sure after reading this, you will surely say "Scarey, isn't it".

* We both have ethnic origins that begin with the same letter
* We both have a "boob" cousin named Tony. Ohhh, turn on the lights.
* My youngest brother is a rotten golfer too.
* Mr and Mrs McCarty made Kelly and we hired a maid named Kelly. And the scarey part is she didn't work either. She just watched TV. Scarey, isn't it.
* We have no kids and neither does Steve and Kristen
* My second youngest brother thinks he can sing. THIS IS REALLY SCAREY
* Finally, If you put a pen in Kelly's wife's hand, she will underline things. Put a pen in my wife's hand, she will color in peoples teeth in the TV Guide. Well, that one wasn't very scarey, but it is late and I don't want to have any nightmares.

POLICE LOG

Dear Lt. Rick: As a police officer are you trained in any martial arts? -QC Cain

Dear Grasshopper: I was trained in Karate and have developed my own variations of the Tiger Style and Stork techniques.

Windmill Style - Perfected by Dennis McCarty involves dropping your head and swinging your arms in uppercut circles like Popeye.

Rockette Style - Also perfected by Dennis, this style involves laying on your back and kicking your legs while spinning in a circle. (Note: this style was also used by Batgirl)

Bob McCarty Style - Involves putting a .38 Caliber firearm in your belt and doing a John Wayne impersonation.

Kelly McCarty Style - "Run like the Wind"

TRIVIA CONTEST

This months trivia is about lines from songs at a typical Brad Savage gig. Name the songs and the artists (if known).

Winners will receive a tape of these 10 songs compliments of Brad Savage, The McCarty Metro, and Budweiser, the king of beers.

COLLEGE BEAT

Hey McCarty Dudes! I'm still enjoying my most excellent summer vacation. As an extra special treat I went to one of those Indian Casinos in Michigan. It was totally cool until I got thrown out but before I did I had a great time. I'm not sure exactly why I was thrown out, but here's a few things they might have been upset about.

* I told the pit boss he looked like Crazy Cat from F-Troop.
* I started laughing every time someone called "Craps"
* I got in a big argument with the guy at the roulette wheel about what I considered to be an "odd" number.
* I accidently spilled my Big Gulp on the poker table.

Oh well, see you next month from school. Hasta La Vista, Dudes!

THE MEDICINE MAN

With summer comes lots of scrapes and bruises, so I want to pass on several of my home remedies that can help get you through the tough times. For those pesky sprains of the ankle, knees, or other joints, I suggest taking a bag of frozen peas and placing it on the affected area. Other doctors choose corn or brocolli, but I've had best success with peas. You can later serve the thawed vegetable for dinner, but if it was used for swelling near the feet be sure to tell diners that any unusual smell is from a broken sewer pipe. 

This next remedy I got from Genghis Khan. If you've ever suffered from ingrown toenails, take a cotton ball and ram it under the tender protuberance with a toothpick or tweezers. The pain will be so intense that you may pass out. Like caning, the person who is shoving the cotton under the toenail must stop and wake you up before proceeding again. The beauty of this exercise is that the pain is so great that after they have stopped shoving toothpicks under the nails, anything less feels good. I don't know if it helps the nail grow out, but I know that after this nobody asks you to do anything else for them for fear that you may have some other remedy even worse.

For ear infections, or just to get kids to keep quiet for awhile try using peroxide in the ears. This cure has been handed down for ages because some McCarty kids swear by it. I remember that it was used successfully to keep Larry McCarty quiet with his head on the kitchen table for hours and now he's using the same method on his kids. I've heard Larry now buys the peroxide in 55 gallon drums and actually uses a recycler pan underneath his kids heads to catch the overfill.

Another known remedy for earaches is blowing smoke in the ear. This cure has been outlawed by the Clinton Administration and anyone seeking to avail himself of this remedy now must cross the border and seek out Pat Pilgrim or Legree to blow medicinal healing into their orifices. One must know that going to these type of unlicensed medical personnel may result in other unorthodox treatment like fainting and pink bellies.

If you've ever had the runs, you'll be glad to know that Mom McCarty recommends burnt toast for diarrhea. Nothing else on this subject, I just wanted to write the word: diarrhea.

These remedies are time-tested and mother approved. Each will give effective relief from the ailments above. As a medical professional, I will only give information about proven commodities and not resort to speculation about the existence of stare juices designed to produce strikes or putting isopropyl alcohol in your nostrils to kill infections after pulling nosehairs out by the handfull. So cross your fingers and maybe these cures will work!