Jerry's World

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Keeping The Grand-brats Honest

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ll its July and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be gettin ready for the 4th of July Parties. I can just see those Independence Day Dorks all decked out in their Cargo Shorts and Ed Hardy Shirts. Just thinking of those Fashion Fizzers makes me hotter than the business end of a sparkler. We had way better 4th of Julys when I was a kid.

Oh I can picture those Barbeque Buffoons standing outside next to their natural gas stainless steel barbeque with electronic ignition and Flavorizor grilling system. When I was a kid, my Dad barbequed for 8 kids on his little 10 Hibachi grill. To get the maximum amount of hot dogs on that thing he would load it up like he was playing Tetris. And my Dad only used Kingsford Charcoal and would always drench it in lots of Lighter Fluid. Sure, after he lit it, one of us kids always had to Stop, Drop, and Roll, but we didnt care, we loved it!!

And those Arsonistic Arses will be lighting their crappy little store bought Firework Fountains with their long handled fireplace butane lighters. When we were kids my brother Larry didnt buy no store bought crap. Hed drive to Tennessee and buy it from a hobo at a truck stop. Then he would staple down all the firecrackers, cherry bombs, and bottle rockets to a piece of plywood. And to light it, hed use a Mosquito Chaser and put it in his mouth like it was a cigarette. Sure with that Mosquito Chaser clenched in his teeth, he looked like a cross between Burgess Meredith and the Unabomber, but he didnt care, he loved it!!

And after the fireworks are over you can bet one of those Safety Sissies will be squirting everything off with a hose. When I was a kid, the best day was the morning of the 5th of July, so we could find all of the firecrackers and bottle rockets that didnt go off. Wed break open those duds to expose the gunpowder and then wed light them! Then youd have to step on the Fizzer with your heel and it would blow up. Really Loud! And we loved it!!

So let those Celebrating Slouches spend this 4th of July with their lame barbeques. As for me Im going to have an old fashioned 4th of July like we used to. Im going to have a burnt hot dog, staple some firecrackers to a piece of plywood, and then Im going light me a big old Skeeter Chaser! 

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