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THE BEST OF
From Our February,
2005 Edition |
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 ll, I
know those McCarty grandbrats are buying all kinds of
fancy schmancy clothes so they can look just like their
spoiled rotten friends. Just thinking about those fashion
faux pas makes me want to scream louder than one of by
brother Dennis' sport coats. We wore way better fashions
than these kids ever dreamed of.
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These
kids nowadays wear these baggy pants with half their fanny
showing. Here’s a piece of fashion advice for ya losers.
“The belt goes around your waist, not your butt
crack.” If these styled-starved sissies want a lesson in
fashion they ought to look at Kelly McCarty. Kelly could
go a whole week wearing a JCPenney Quad suit. On Monday he
would wear the powder blue three-piece suit. Then on
Tuesday, he would reverse the vest to its plaid side for a
totally different look. Then he’d keep reversing and
switching until Friday he would wear the same smelly
sweaty wrinkled powdered blue suit again. But this time
without the vest, and nobody was the wiser. Sure, we
looked like reversible wrinkled retards, but we didn’t
care, we loved it, because we were happy with what we had! |
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And
then those little fad fanatics like to wear those Billabong
surfing sweatshirts as soon as they feel a little chill
coming on. The closest those style slackers have ever come
to surfing is sitting on their keesters channel-surfing
while their parents are trying to watch something good. When
my older brothers Michael, Dennis, and Ricky got a little
chilly they had the perfect fashion accessory “the dicky.”
The dicky was a turtleneck sweater piece that was just big
enough to cover the opening of a V-neck sweater or an open
collar shirt. Sure, it looked like a bib for Mush Mouth from
the Fat Albert cartoon, but we didn’t care we loved it,
because they came in different colors!!
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And
these fashion followers nowadays have to do whatever their
friends do. “Ohhh. I’m going to wear a dress shirt with
the shirt-tail untucked, so it looks like I’m cool.”
Listen kiddies. You still look stupid and if my Mom would
ever see you with your fish tails hanging out she’d give
you a swift kick in your exposed butt-crack. You need to be
a fashion leader like my brother Steve, who wore a cowboy
shirt all the way until the 10th grade. Sure, he got lots of
swirleys, wedgies, and even atomic wedgies, but he didn’t
care he loved it, because he thought he looked like Steve
Austin. |
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