Dear Editor. This is my last month on the job before going into early retirement. Do you have any ideas for my next jobs? -A Grand Rapids Reader
ED NOTE: If you took over as Editor of the McCarty Metro, you could write the question, and then answer it yourself. Seriously though GR... The Carnival Cruise Line is  looking for a captain and activities director for the new Love Boat.

Dear Editor. I cannot believe all the work that goes into this -- it really is cool! -Kathy
ED NOTE: Thanks, but as most of our readers already know... I have no life.

Dear Editor. Last month's article on "Ditch the Soda" made a believer out of me.  Does "Town Club Pop" fall into that category? -Working on a case of returnables in Tennessee
ED NOTE: No. Town Club is not actually pop. Some examples... Rock & Rye is a mixed drink. Creme Soda is curdled milk, and Kola is a misspell. It should be Koala, which is bodily fluids drawn from the Australian marsupial.

You can't fool me by mis-labeling the celebrity picture with Larry McCarty last month. It is clearly Jerry Mahoney and I am going to get a search warrant and dig up Larry McCarty's backyard to see if we can find the remains of Knucklehead Smiff' -Paul Winchell
ED NOTE: That explains a lot. I was a bit concerned with the other photo submitted from the other angle that showed Larry's hand clearly up Scott Hamilton's butt! I just thought.. "Hey! It's 2009 and Larry is single again."

Dear Editor. In last month's "Guess the Nationality", I was almost positive that I was looking at a Brazilian butt and was surprised to learn it was a polish kielbasa. My question, does that kielbasa have a sister? -Larz
ED NOTE: Yes, but she's not as succulent as Scott Hamilton

Dear Editor. I see there is a Three Stooges movie is in the works.  It's time for Bradric Records to re-release Three Stooges Rock & Roll.  It's time! -Larz
ED NOTE: Larz... My house is infested with cockroaches, insects, and all the termites, but you don’t see me moving on the “Cockroach Party” record at all

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Dear Editor. I think we need to institute a patriotic retirement. There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - Pay them $1 million apiece severance with the following stipulations: 1. They retire immediately. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 2. They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed. 3. They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed. It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and their constituents pay their taxes. -Gerry
ED NOTE:  Go Gerry! Go!

Dear Editor. With all this hysteria about swine flu are there any other precautions I should take besides wearing rubber gloves when petting the pigs? -Friends of Arnold
ED NOTE: Friend, I know you just got divorced, but do you have to categorize all Tennessee women like that?

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METRO READERS SPEAK OUT

Submit rants, praises, & observations to replyto@mccartymetro.com.

May's Stand Up Speak Out is submitted by Steve

The Last of The Kennedy Dynasty?

As soon as cancer was found, we noticed the immediate attempt at canonization of old Teddy by the main stream media. They are saying what a "great American" he is. I say, let's get a couple things clear and not twist the facts to change the real history.

1. He was caught cheating at Harvard when he attended it. He was expelled twice, once for cheating on a test, and once for paying a classmate to cheat for him.

2. While expelled, Kennedy enlisted in the Army, but mistakenly signed up for four years instead of two. Oops, the man can't count to four. His father, Joseph P. Kennedy, former U.S. Ambassador to England (a step up from bootlegging liquor into the US from Canada during prohibition), pulled the necessary strings to have his enlistment shortened to two years, and to ensure that he served in Europe, not Korea, where a war was raging. No preferential treatment for him like "he" charged President Bush received.

3. Kennedy was assigned to Paris, never advanced beyond the rank of Private, and returned to Harvard upon being discharged. Imagine a person of his "education" NEVER advancing past the rank of Private.

4. While attending law school at the University of Virginia, he was cited for reckless driving four times, including once when he was clocked driving 90 miles per hour in a residential neighborhood with his headlights off after dark. Yet his Virginia driver's license was never revoked. Coincidentally, he passed the bar exam in 1959, amazing!!!

5. In 1964, he was seriously injured in a plane crash, and hospitalized for several months. Test results done by the hospital at the time he was admitted had shown he was legally intoxicated. The results of those tests remained a "state secret" until in the 1980's when the report was unsealed. Didn't hear about that from the unbiased media, did we.

6. On July 19, 1969, Kennedy attended a party on Chappaquiddick Island in Massachusetts. At about 11:00 PM, he borrowed his chauffeur's keys to his Oldsmobile limousine, and offered to give a ride home to Mary Jo Kopechne, a campaign worker. Leaving the island via an unlit bridge with no guard rail, Kennedy steered the car off the bridge, flipped, and into Poucha Pond. 

7. He swam to shore and walked back to the party, after passing several houses and a fire station. Then two friends returned with him to the scene of the accident. According to their later testimony, they told him what he already knew, that he was required by law to immediately report the accident to the authorities. Instead Kennedy made his way to his hotel, called his lawyer, and went to sleep. Kennedy called the police the next morning and by then the wreck had already been discovered. Before dying, Kopechne had scratched at the upholstered floor above her head in the upside-down car. The Kennedy family began "calling in favors", ensuring that any inquiry would be contained. Her corpse was whisked out-of-state to her family, before an autopsy could be conducted. Further details are uncertain, but after the accident Kennedy says he repeatedly dove under the water trying to rescue Kopechne, and he didn't call police because he was in a state of shock. It is widely assumed Kennedy was drunk, and he held off calling police in hopes that his family could fix the problem overnight. Since the accident, Kennedy's "political enemies" have referred to him as the distinguished Senator from Chappaquiddick. He pled guilty to leaving the scene of an accident, and was given a SUSPENDED SENTENCE OF TWO MONTHS. Kopechne's family received a small payout from the Kennedy's insurance policy, and never sued. There was later an effort to have her body exhumed and autopsied, but her family successfully fought against this in court, and Kennedy's family paid their attorney's bills... a "token of friendship"?

8. Kennedy has held his Senate seat for more than forty years, but considering his longevity, his accomplishments seem scant. He authored or argued for legislation that ensured a variety of civil rights, increased the minimum wage in 1981, made access to health care easier for the indigent, and funded Meals on Wheels for fixed-income seniors and is widely held as the "standard-bearer for liberalism". In his very first Senate roll, he was the floor manager for the bill that turned U.S. immigration policy upside down and opened the floodgate for immigrants from third world countries.

9. Since that time, he has been the prime instigator and author of every expansion of and increase in immigration, up to and including the latest attempt to grant amnesty to illegal aliens. Not to mention the Pious grilling he gave the last two Supreme Court Nominees, as if he were the standard bearer for the nation in matters of right. What a pompous ass.

10. He is known around Washington as a public drunk, loud, boisterous and very disrespectful to ladies. JERK is a better description than "great American". 

Let's not allow the spin doctors make this jerk a hero -- how quickly the American public forgets what his real legacy is... 

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