Here's a TV sitcom pilot I would like to pitch to the Metro. It's about Detroit Tigers' announcers Mario Impemba and Rod Allen. -Mike Pilot project: Screenplay for a weekly series starring Detroit Tigers announcers Mario Impemba and Rod Allen. Today’s episode: “Contact to Damage Control” SCENE: Front office of Fox Sports Net. Angry network president calls Impemba and Allen on the carpet... again. PRESIDENT: I throw up my hands! I can’t put up any longer with your insipid twaddle that you call baseball play-by-play and analysis. You’re like two bobbleheads who agree with each other’s inane, boring and nonstop jabber. You ignore my suggestions – mainly to shuddup once in a while, collect your thoughts and recognize that you’re talking to a TV audience, not a radio audience. So… 
| IMPEMBA: Uh, you’re not trying to fire us, are you? ALLEN: Did you see those two guys in the left field stands last night? They were carrying a sign that said, “I love Rod and Mario,” only the word “love” was a heart. (LOOKS AT IMPEMBA) That was pretty good, eh, pardner? IMPEMBA: I agree Rod, that was way cool. Our camera guy got two angles of those fans, and we could have put them on our Coors Lite Freeze Cam, and… PRESIDENT: See, this is precisely the kind of on-air babble that has your butts in my wringer. Do you two realize some viewers mute the sound when you’re on. And there’s a guy in Grand Rapids who plays his banjo to drown you guys out. IMPEMBA AND ALLEN (in unison): Nooooooo! IMPEMBA: Bluegrass rocks, but that sucks. |
ALLEN: Oh, for sure. I enjoy a good “Old Joe Clark” from time to time. Maybe if I spent more time with that musical genre I could learn … PRESIDENT: HOLD IT! You’re gonna SIT UP and PIPE DOWN while we talk about your freakin’ bland, onerous portrayal of our NATION’S PASTIME. Got it? ALLEN (addressing the FSN president): Look, we respectfully disagree with your analysis of our lively banter. Why, I went out of my way Tuesday night in Kansas City to clue in the fans on Miguel Cabrera’s contact-to-damage ratio against left-handed pitchers with runners in scoring position. And when Carlos Guillen came up to bat without his batting gloves, I astutely pointed out, well, let me roll the tape: ALLEN (on video): I don’t know why Carlos isn’t wearing his batting gloves. But it’s hot here in Kansas City, and the sweat could make his gloves slippery, therefore hurting his chances of a quality at-bat. So that may be why he’s not wearing them. PRESIDENT: Mr. Allen, you make my case. Made-up stats, made-up explanations. Look, against my better judgment, I’m gonna give you two one more chance. One thing, though. If you insist on making up an explanation out of whole cloth, at least make it juicy instead of that boring tripe. Ratings, you know. SCENE: Next game, at Comerica Park , as the hometown Tigers come to bat in the second inning. IMPEMBA: Carlos Guillen will lead it off for the Tigers. Look, Rod, he doesn’t have his batting gloves on again. ALLEN: Well, Mario, it’s another hot night and… (silence) IMPEMBA: Rod, did you want to finish that thought? ALLEN: Well, I noticed that hitting coach Lloyd McClendon is not on the bench. I don’t know, but it could be that Carlos fatally strangled Lloyd in the clubhouse between innings, and perhaps Lloyd’s blood got on the gloves. Therefore, Carlos had to ditch the gloves because he had to make a decision: Do I want a quality at-bat or do I risk going to the dish wearing Exhibit A in a murder trial? IMPEMBA: That’s a ball, outside. Two-and-oh on Guillen... But, Rod, why would Carlos do that? | 
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ALLEN: Oh easy. Carlos took that two-seam fastball for two-and-oh because he knows the pitcher has thrown 98 pitches, only 55 of them for strikes. Therefore, his chances of drawing a… IMPEMBA: No, I mean why would Carlos Guillen strangle Lloyd McClendon? ALLEN: Oh. Lloyd probably saw something that was amiss in Carlos’ batting stance, and when he told Carlos, well, Guillen naturally took offense and snapped because he’s been one of the most consistent hitters on the club. Therefore, Carlos did in McClendon and possibly knocked over the water cooler as well. IMPEMBA: You know, I’ve drunk out of that water cooler. But how could Carlos harm the hitting coach? ALLEN: Guillen probably was on the balls of feet, allowing him to maximize his natural hand strength. It’s the same principle that allows him to generate bat speed at the plate. IMPEMBA: Hmmm. A hitting coach killed by a hitting technique. Ironic... By the way, the count on Guillen is still 3-and-2, and that’s the 19th ball he’s fouled off. What an at-bat. ALLEN: Quality. IMPEMBA: There’s ball four, and Guillen trots down to first. | 
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SCENE: TV screen, with picture switching from Guillen jogging to first base, to a newscaster behind a desk. At the bottom of a screen is an FSN logo with the inscription: News Bulletin. NEWS ANCHOR (breathlessly): We interrupt this Fox Sports Net broadcast to bring you developing news at Comerica Park . Moments ago, Detroit police reportedly tackled an armed robber attempting to escape from the Detroit Tigers’ clubhouse with items allegedly taken from the players’ lockers. And on the way to the clubhouse, one officer reportedly used CPR to save the life of a 92-year-old choking victim. A Detroit police spokesman attributes the officers’ presence to a mistaken report by FSN baseball analyst Rod Allen that led police to the clubhouse. More on these developments later. We return you to the Tigers game. IMPEMBA: Rod, congratulations. You deserve the credit for foiling a robbery and saving a man’s life. ALLEN: Thanks, pardner, but the credit really belongs to Detroit ’s finest, and to our FSN president who encouraged me to speculate bigtime. My apologies to Carlos Guillen and Lloyd McClendon and the water cooler. SCENE: Montage of next-day newspaper headlines: Page A1 Detroit Free Press: TIGER ANALYST ALLEN CALLED ‘HERO’ Freep Page D1 (sports section front): GUILLEN, COACH PRAISE ALLEN, NO HARD FEELINGS Page A1 Detroit News: TIGERS B’CASTERS TO RECEIVE CRIME STOPPERS AWARD Page A1 Detroit News (below the fold): ‘ROD SAVED MY FATHER,’ WOMAN SAYS Page D4 Grand Rapids Press: WHITECAPS HIRE EX-FSN PRESIDENT AS TICKET TAKER |  |
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