Remember the days of yesteryear when the Fourth of July meant more than just blowing things up? It meant community togetherness, family gatherings, simple joys, patriotism, AND... blowing things up. We at Twin Lakes  remember those days. That's why every Fourth of July, we sponsor An Old-Fashioned Fourth in our humble community. For those of you planning to attend or those who wish you could, I thought I'd post the schedule of events. Sure, some little details may not be 100% traditional, but I think they got the spirit down right. 

9 a.m., Twin Lakes Clubhouse 
Local High School bandleader Ted Long leads high school band members, former high school band members, and a guy who taught himself the symbols in all the marches you'll want to hear. (and even the ones you don't)

10:30 a.m., On the 1st Tee Box: Stone a Commie 
This year we bring back this popular event from celebrations in the 1950s. The Oakland Township Supervisor, or some other local politician or trustee will identify someone they believe to be a communist (or communist sympathizer). Patriotic neighbors then gather round the tee box and hurl stones at them. The first person to hit the Pinko in the head wins one of Kristen's scrumptious peach cobblers. Yum! 

11 a.m., 3rd Fairway: Civil War Reenactment 
Sure, we could've reenacted a famous battle, the surrender at Appomattox, or the Gettysburg Address, but we decided to do something you won't see anywhere else. Bring the kids for fun and education, and sit in my backyard, as we re-enact Civil War amputations, all done in traditional costume and using the correct period surgical tools. 

11:30 a.m. - 3 p.m., Twin Lakes Middle School: Ethnic Food Fest 
Taste bland, Americanized versions of specialty dishes from around the world. See cooks and servers dressed in caricatures of foreign dress that nobody actually wears anymore. Laugh at the wardrobe and customs of other cultures while forgetting that your ancestors came from somewhere else too. 

11:45 a.m.
(repeats every 45 min.), Twin Lakes Theater: "Get 'Em Boys!"- The War In Iraq  
Twin Lakes didn't just support our men and women in Iraq, we also produced several short films to get folks on the home front behind the war effort. This program features the best of these works: "Iraq's Full Of Shiite", "I Just Joined Because Of The Cool Uniform," "Sadaam's In A Hole?," "How To Open Your Own Party Store", and the Academy Award-nominated 2006 cartoon "Baghdad Go Boom!" 

1p.m., Ted Lindsay's Backyard: Three-legged Race 
Thankfully, our good friend Ted Lindsay determined that drinking and driving golf carts wasn't responsible for every amputation, but there sure are a lot of dogs with only three legs that live in the Twin Lakes Community. Boy, do they look forward to strutting their stuff at this annual race. Come on out and gawk at them, won't you? 

2 p.m., Invitational Drive: Parade 
This event pits neighbor vs. neighbor in the fiercest head-to-head competition since the Christmas lights scandal that rocked the community in 2006. All  are encouraged to build their own floats for fun and competition in this event. Whichever float bests conveys the spirits and ideals of The Twin Lakes Golf and Swim Club, this year the executive board, along with financial backing of the McCarty Metro, will present a $5 gift certificate. 

Day-long event: WWII Remembered. 
To commemorate the events of the Second World War, all local residents of our Twin Lakes Community who are of Asian lineage will be rounded up and locked in the high school gymnasium. (don't worry, they will be released before the big fireworks extravaganza)

6:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. - Twin Lakes Softball Diamonds: Annual Charity Softball Game 
Yes, its the fine constabulatory of our fair community and the executive staff of the Twin Lakes complex. Get your biannual glimpse of the executives as they coach from their limousine windows. Will they keep up their six year winning streak? Who knows, but our money's not on the boys in blue! 

10:00 p.m.- My Backyard: The McCarty/Fingers Fireworks Spectacular
Due to increased safety concerns, rising insurance costs and complaints from parents that the traditional McCarty/Fingers fireworks show may be too violent for children, Twin Lakes voted that we will be instead showing a video on my 42" plasma TV, the Young Americans For Freedom Choir with their stunning synchronized red, white and blue flashlight routine. Fun for all! Actually... That's just a joke. I will once again blow up my backyard off a makeshift launching pad. FORE!!!!! (that means duck!)





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