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.| Well it’s Christmas and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for their Fancy Schmancy Holiday Parties. Oh, they will go to some sissified Country Club wearing their Christmas ties, Christmas sweaters, and Christmas socks. Just thinking of those little Fa La La Losers makes me hotter than the Non-UL Lights that are hanging on my fake Christmas Tree. We had way better Christmas parties when I was a kid than they have now. |
| Those Fancy Schmancy Country Clubs nowadays have all kinds of decorations out for their Christmas Parties. They’ll have hundreds of Poinsettias leading into their banquet hall and then a 40 Foot Christmas tree decorated with more lights than in Las Vegas. When we were kids, we held our Christmas Party in the basement and we wrapped the handrail going downstairs with crepe paper so you wouldn’t get splinters. Then we wrapped crepe paper around the pole in the basement, but it still wouldn’t stop Creighton Ishi from walking into it. And since our basement ceiling was only six-feet tall, we could only put a 4 foot tall artificial aluminum foil tree down there, but we didn’t care we were happy with what we had. Then there would be a wreath made of IBM Cards painted Gold and some Plastic Santa Claus head with a light bulb in it. We had crappy decorations and had to walk stooped over so we wouldn’t hit the ceiling, but we didn’t care, we loved it. | 
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| And these Epicurean Idiots will be sitting in their expensive parties eating 40 different appetizers and sipping champagne. When we were kids our holiday banquet consisted of a Lazy Susan and a High Ball. And if you didn’t like it, too bad, you got nothin’. We’d be sitting on the basement steps eating pickle loaf and celery, but we didn’t care, we loved it. Because the celery was filled with Kraft Pimento Cheese Spread. Yum Yum! |
 | And those Yule Tide Yo-Yos will be listening to some string quartet playing at their Christmas Party. Like I want to hear “Jingle Bells” on a violin? When I was a kid my dad would bring the record player down into the basement and he’d put on “Firestone’s Sounds of the Season” which he got for free for buying Steel Belted Radials. Then we’d all sit around and listen to “Sleigh Ride” or “Here Comes Santa Claus” on a scratchy vinyl LP. That record was so scratched we had to tape a nickel on the record player needle so it wouldn’t skip. We’d listen to crappy songs by the New Christy Minstrels and the Ray Conniff Singers but we didn’t care we loved it! Cause we were happy with what we had. |
| So you go to your Snooty Country Club Christmas Party and while you’re dripping Cocktail Sauce on your Christmas Tie, I’ll be sitting in a basement somewhere. Oh, I’m gonna make me a nice Liverwurst Sandwich and fill that Lazy Susan with radishes, olives, pickles, and celery. And then I’m gonna turn on the record player and listen to, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the….of the …..of the…. Fiddle Fooey!! Anybody got some loose change?? 
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