|Metro Caption Contest
Come up with a unique caption for this picture.
Last Month's Results
Be still my beating heart, that Barbara Walters is HOT! -Lynette Rohde
Babs, want to feel my man boobs? -Eric Swan
he he, Barbara, he he, do you like big breasts? -Steve-O
That's a good question Barbara. If I could run my car into any tree, I think I would say a cherry tree. -Ed
Ah.... where are your.... ya know.... your..... shoes. -Sis
I wonder if my boobs are bigger than hers. -chicksrus
As I was climbing up the bamboo tree, I noticed all the odd looks I was getting from all the other Koala's.. What do you mean I'm not a Koala? -gwenda
Hoo-boy, Barbara, I told you my butt could hit the bottom of this chair on the second try. -Geraldo
Vewwey interesting, Mr. McCarty. You say this is an air banjo? -Jed Clampett
I'm sorry, Missus Walters, I forgot about the restraining order. -Sam Donaldson
Yes, Barbara. I am a great believer in auto safety. For instance, I have spent the last several years volunteering as a crash dummy for Ford. -John Hasse
"Be twuthful with me Mike, and tell me the twue stowy of the Wost Cause" -Baba WaWa
One time I did that Church and Steeple thing and got stuck and had to go to the Emergency Room" -Jer
Mike McCarty, longtime copy editor at The Grand Rapids Press, reacts to comments by Barbara Walters about "The View" co-host Star Jones Reynolds' recent breast lifts. -Metro Reader
Questions? Do They Really Need Answers?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!!!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on..........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you subscribed to the McCarty Metro in the first place
A Letter To My Metro Staff
March 30, 2006
Dear Metro Staff:
It is advised that when you come to work under the basement steps, that you dress according to your salary. If I see you wearing Prada shoes & carrying a Gucci bag I assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each reporter will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS: I will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the bathroom. There is now a strict 3-minute limit in the john. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted in the McCarty Metro under the "Chronic Offenders" page.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to The McCarty Metro. I am here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you for your cooperation,