April 2006

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April Showers Bring May Flowers - April Showers Bring May Flowers - April Showers Bring May Flowers

Last Month's Paparazzi 

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the McCarty Metro


Gas Prices For Your Area.


Quick Puzzles (bet you don't know them)Trivia Time

What's this


What's this



1. How is it possible for Kelly to stand behind Jerry and Jerry to stand behind Kelly at the same time? Answer

2. What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?  Answer

3. I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place. What am I? Answer

4. Steve O likes the opera but not the ballet. He has a boxer but won't get a bulldog. He will travel to Colorado but not Alaska. He collects dimes but not nickels. Does he like bananas or grapes? Why? Answer

5. What American word has three successive double letters? Answer

In popular Disney movies, what Disney lead character never spoke?


Your Name: 



March Trivia Answer:
What weekly TV program is the only non-variety prime time show to have had 3 of the former Beatles (Paul, George and Ringo) make guest star appearances?

"The Simpsons"

No one guessed right... Sorry!!!

Metro Sound Off - Letters To The Editor
Hey Editor. I wanted to ask a question about your header picture from the March issue of the McCarty Metro.

I know where Steve Hight, Wally Jankowski, and Matt Sholl are, but do you know where Terry Lavely is. I heard that he  became Marilyn Manson -GO BRUINS
ED NOTE: I saw "Smoothy" recently in Las Vegas. He hasn't changed a bit. He was with an unidentified "friend" that I will not disclose. 
In a side note... What happens in Vegas... Oh Nevermind!

Kelly. In regards to your 7' 4" woman, it ain't true.
Just trying to keep you honest.  Boy, it ain't easy! -Raiff
ED NOTE: Whew!!! I almost thought you were going to say that I wrote something that actually WAS true.
Send Me Your 2 Cents Worth
Dear McCarty Metro. I'm starting a Women's Final 4 Pool. So far it's just me. Anybody else want to join? -Jill
ED NOTE: I couldn't care less. Women's basketball is not a sport. You could take the top NCAA ladies team, and they couldn't beat "The Assassins" on their best day. In a side note... the team of PISTOL, DRJ, BIGM, BEANIE & D haven't lost a game since the double-overtime heartbreaker vs. the Henry Ford II Chess club back in 1975.

McCarty Metro
Ballot Box

Who will be the next American Idol?

Ace Young
Bucky Covington
Chris Daughtry
Elliot Yamin
Katherine McPhee
Kellie Pickler
Paris Bennett
Taylor Hicks
I couldn't care less

View Results

April Fools Day
I would like everyone to share with other Metro readers some of your best April Fools memories.

Previous Submissions:

Kelly: I remember how no one ever was able to get me on April Fools Day and I made sure everyone knew it. One year, my middle son Brad must have planned for weeks to get me. Needless to say, I ended up drenched that day. No more bragging for me. Nuff said!


Metro Caption Contest

Come up with a unique caption for this picture.

Your Name:

Last Month's Results

  • Be still my beating heart, that Barbara Walters is HOT! -Lynette Rohde

  • Babs, want to feel my man boobs? -Eric Swan

  • he he, Barbara, he he, do you like big breasts? -Steve-O

  • That's a good question Barbara. If I could run my car into any tree, I think I would say a cherry tree. -Ed

  • Ah.... where are your.... ya know.... your..... shoes. -Sis

  • I wonder if my boobs are bigger than hers. -chicksrus

  • As I was climbing up the bamboo tree, I noticed all the odd looks I was getting from all the other Koala's.. What do you mean I'm not a Koala? -gwenda

  • Hoo-boy, Barbara, I told you my butt could hit the bottom of this chair on the second try. -Geraldo

  • Vewwey interesting, Mr. McCarty. You say this is an air banjo? -Jed Clampett

  • I'm sorry, Missus Walters, I forgot about the restraining order. -Sam Donaldson

  • Yes, Barbara.  I am a great believer in auto safety.  For instance, I have spent the last several years volunteering as a crash dummy for Ford. -John Hasse

  • "Be twuthful with me Mike, and tell me the twue stowy of the Wost Cause" -Baba WaWa

  • One time I did that Church and Steeple thing and got stuck and had to go to the Emergency Room" -Jer

  • Mike McCarty, longtime copy editor at The Grand Rapids Press, reacts to comments by Barbara Walters about "The View" co-host Star Jones Reynolds' recent breast lifts. -Metro Reader

Questions? Do They Really Need Answers?

  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

  • Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

  • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

  • Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!!!

  • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

  • Stop singing and read on..........

  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

  • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

  • Do you ever wonder why you subscribed to the McCarty Metro  in the first place

A Letter To My Metro Staff

March 30, 2006
Dear Metro Staff:

It is advised that when you come to work under the basement steps, that you dress according to your salary. If I see you wearing Prada shoes & carrying a Gucci bag I assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore, you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each reporter will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. 
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS: I will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the bathroom. There is now a strict 3-minute limit in the john. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted in the McCarty Metro under the "Chronic Offenders" page.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to The McCarty Metro. I am here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you for your cooperation,

McCarty Metro

Getting Ready For Summer



Metro Chat Room

Scheduled Chats every Sunday
at 9PM EST

Men's Words Of Wisdom
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

Women's Words Of Wisdom
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.

Who's Being Punished?

In PrisonAt Work
you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cellyou spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle
you get three free meals a dayyou get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
you get time off for good behavioryou get more work for good behavior.
the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for youyou must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
you can watch TV and play gamesyou could get fired for watching TV and playing games
you get your own toiletyou have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
they allow your family and friends to visityou aren't even supposed to speak to your family
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work requiredyou get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get outyou spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
you must deal with sadistic wardensthey are called managers

Our Family & Friends SitesApril Joke o' The Month

A poor couple gave birth to a set of twins. They were so poor that they had to give the babies up for adoption, to ensure that they could lead good lives with people who could care for them. One brother was adopted by a family from Mexico, and they named him Juan. The other brother was adopted by a family from India, and they named him Ammal. 20 years passed, and one day, the birth mother received a letter and a picture from her son Juan. She was so happy to read his words and see his picture. She excitedly showed them to her husband when he came home. They were very happy. Then she sighed sadly. Questioned by her husband, she said, "I only wish Ammal had sent a picture too. I'd love to see what he looks like." Her husband looked at her and said, "dear, they're twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Ammal."

To My
April Metro Contributors

Elias Chapa, Jerry McCarty, Kelly McCarty, Kristen McCarty,
Margaret McCarty, Mike McCarty, Gwenda Perez, Denise Sidor


Traveling Link Of The Month - CARLSBAD CAVERNS



Carlsbad Caverns
3225 National Parks Hwy
Carlsbad, NM
(505) 785-2232


This National Park contains 86 caves to explore, including Carlsbad Cavern, one of the world's largest underground chambers. See the amazing formations and discover other natural resources at this popular attraction.

Link Of The Month

Find Out How Your Mind Works

Some researchers say that men can have 'women's brains' and that women can think more like men. Find out more about 'brain sex' differences by taking the Sex ID test, a series of visual challenges and questions used by psychologists in the BBC One television series Secrets of the Sexes

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