|Well it’s “Back-to-School” Time and that means those little grandbrats will be getting there backpacks and heading back to school. Just thinking about those Grammar School Gremlins makes me hotter than the radiators in Parkman Elementary School. These kids today don’t know how good they have it.|
You can bet those little Pea Brain Pupils will be getting assigned their own private lockers or cubby holes at these crappy schools so they can have their own “personal space”. When I was in school we had to deal with locker partners. These kids nowadays don’t even know what they’re missing. We had smelly locker partners in army fatigue jackets who would put egg salad sandwiches in the locker and leave them there for weeks. Then they’d throw a wet jacket in the locker and get water all over your stuff. Sometimes they’d hang up a picture of Shaun Cassidy in the locker and your friends would think it was yours and make fun of you. My locker smelled like damp, musty, farts but I shut up and lived with it, and I’m a better man today for it. And I learned to like Shaun Cassidy.
And these kids today have to wear all the coolest most expensive clothes. They wear their big cargo pants with their underwear sticking out the top. We wouldn’t have dreamed of having our underwear showing for fear of a Wedgie ….. or worse yet, an Atomic Wedgie. I used to walk around school with a torn elastic underwear band around my waist trying to get my underwear out of my butt, but I didn’t care, I loved it!! Because it was better than getting a Swirly!!
And I hear that Ryan and Missy McCarty are now professional teachers themselves. “Ohhhhh, we like to have a positive experience for the children in our classroom.” Fiddle Foey!! The only positive experience I ever had in elementary school, was that I was “Positive” I wanted to get the heck out of there. We had dried-up old bitty teachers like Mrs. Collins who taught music and used to go into her purse for a flask twice every class period. Then after a few sips from the flask she would fall asleep while kids clanged triangles, rang bells, and hit wooden sticks together. And then if she woke up mad, you’d get your knuckles hit with her wooden pointer. We got the snot beat out of us by an alcoholic teacher with a chip on her shoulder, but we didn’t care, we loved it!! Because I got to make a horse clippity -clop sound with the wooden blocks.
So if any of your kids ask you what school was like when you were growing up, don’t say a word. Just throw some water on them, hit ‘em across the knuckles, pull up their underwear over their head, and fart in their face. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to sing “Hey Deanie” to ‘em.
Welcome back to School!!