The McCarty Metro

Still Under The Basement Steps 

Jerry's World
Well it’s June and that means its time for Ryan and Missy to get married. Oh, I hear they are going to have some fancy schmancy wedding at the beautifully air-conditioned Amway Grand Hotel in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Just thinking about those Newlywed Ninnies makes me hotter than the Bunsen burner under the fried chicken in the buffet line. 

Oh, my brother Mike tells me those Bridal Brats will have lots of servers wearing white gloves. Well la-te-da….When I got married our servers wore gloves but that was just because the sauce on the mosticiolli stained your skin. When I got married we had crappy food with crappy service and we loved it! Cause it prepared us for the rest of our lives.

And you can bet they’ll have some fancy dessert! But they will have a long way to go to top the deserts in our family. We had Richard & Lois’s Cherries Jubilee and Mike & Karen’s Flying Ice Cream. And those Wedding Weasels probably spent weeks taste-testing and picking out the wedding cake. “Oh I like the buttermilk frosting with the chocolate marble cake.” Fiddle Foey! If they want to see how that cake will taste, they ought to wrap it up in a 39 cent napkin, throw it under the seat of the car for the weekend and then eat it while driving to work with a hangover and a Starbucks. Trust me, they all taste like Little Debbie Cakes after that. 

And even though I’m sure Kelly offered to DJ the wedding, those Honeymoon Homies wanted some fancy schmancy hip DJ that would play their house music so they can all “Shake it like a Polaroid Picture.” The only shaking that went on when Kelly DJ'd a wedding was the old guy with Parkinson’s that got stuck sitting next to the speaker. And despite what they think, my brother Kelly knew how to “Get the Party Started.” He would play the Beer Barrel Polka and it brought people to the floor. There were fat aunts dancing with each other, old people in leisure suites, and lots of people smelling like Arthritis Pain Formula. That song was like a bug light for old people. There would be wheelchairs, walkers, and canes all around the floor. It looked like the Mosh Pit for the living dead. Sure all the young people would be drinking Rum & Cokes at the bar, but he didn’t care, he loved it! ‘Cause there was a chance someone would break a hip.

So you have a good time at Ryan & Missy’s wedding, but don’t bother fixing a fancy schmancy plate of food for me. I’m bringing my own mostacioli and a Popsicle and my own personal remix of Jay-Z’s “Play That Funky Polka, White Boy”.

See you at the Amway Grand!

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