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From Our October 1993 Paper Edition

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ll, the 1994 new car models will soon be out, and you can bet that every spoiled McCarty kid will be begging their parents to buy a new Mercury Villager, Dodge Intrepid, or a Neon. I'm hotter than the radiator cap on Danny's old Ford Galaxy over the way these kids today are so spoiled.

Nowadays, kids have to ride around in those shiny new minivans. "Ohhh, we need to have a lot of leg room because we're tall!" When I was a kid, I had to ride in the hatchback of my dad's Vega!  I had about as much leg room as Herve Villachez's pants.  A lot of times it was a choice between the spare tire and me, and unless my Dad felt lucky, I didn't go. But we didn't care because we were happy to get a ride when we could, and we learned to love it!

And how come everyone has to go to these wimpy 5-minute oil change places.  When I was a kid, my Dad didn't have to pay some greasy kid named "Leon" $14.95 to change the oil and call him "sir". My Dad used to change the oil himself. He would go outside, swear for about an hour and a half, and then come in to get band-aids for his hands.  But he got the oil changed and he did it himself and he loved it! And he sure didn't need to run around squirting spray oil on the doors and checking the tire pressure.

And these cars today are so complicated. You got to have some pencil-necked computer geek to fix’ em. "Oh, I think the controller board on the computer sensor has had a malfunction". I wonder if his sensor could sense my foot sticking in his butt! When I was a kid, cars were cars and if it didn't start, you stuck a screwdriver in the butterfly. Cars were simple to fix and we fixed 'em ourselves and we loved it.

So, don't waste your money on these new cars. American cars were fine until the Japanese convinced us to change 'em into some kinda spaceships. Look in the classifieds and find yourself a real good, pre-1980 car. While everyone else is driving with their climate-controlled sissy-mobiles, you can be cruising with the windows down and blaring your 8-Track tapes with a screwdriver sticking out of your engine.

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The McCarty Metro - 9323 Sussex Avenue - Detroit, Michigan 48228

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