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From Our September 2001 Edition

Yippee! School is almost starting again. These summer vacations are getting longer every year. Pretty soon, these rotten McCarty kids will be starting school after Thanksgiving and quitting before Christmas! And you can bet those brats would still be complaining on their first day back. These kids don't know how good they have it. The first day of school is nothing compared to when I was a kid.

Nowadays, these kids are driven to school and dropped off right at the door by their parents. Those McCarty brats wouldn't dream of walking. When I was a kid, we wouldn't have been caught dead being driven by our parents. You might as well put a sign on your chest that said "I'm a dork! Beat me up, knock my books out of my hands, and give me a swirlie." We walked to school or we got the crap kicked out of us and we loved it!

And now all these kids get their own private lockers. Oh la- de-da, "We need our privacy". These kid's don't know how life can be when you get some big fat sweaty kid as your locker partner. Oh, the fat kids would always bring egg salad sandwiches and put them on the floor of the locker. By the end of the week my books, pencils, and jacket all smelled like a fart. But we learned to live with it and we was better for it!

And how about these teachers today. "Oh we're striking! We don't get paid enough! We need smaller classrooms! Blah, Blah, Blah!" When I was a kid, we didn't have those problems. They used to hire drunken, derelicts, with criminal records for teachers. They didn't care how many kids were in a class, because it was just more kids to beat and humiliate. One time, Mrs. Collins drank a whole fifth of Jack Daniels in music class while we were watching a film strip. She couldn't have cared less about the size of the class or the fact that all of our hair was all wet and our clothes smelled like egg salad.

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