Well it’s back to school time and that means those little McCarty grandbrats will be going to their fancy schmancy schools with their new age teachers and learning absolutely nothing. Just thinking of those degenerate dunces makes me hotter than the radiators in the classrooms at Parkman Elementary. We had way better schools when I was a kid.

These gourmet goofballs nowadays have fancy cafeterias and lunch carts serving all kinds of exotic foods like quesadilla’s, pizza, and Hot Pockets. When I was a kid, I would walk home everyday for lunch and all I got was a bowl of watered down alphabet soup and 2 Saltine crackers with a Kraft Single American Cheese slice in the middle. Sure we had crappy lunches but we didn’t care because we were happy with what he had!! And plus my Mom would put the crackers and cheese in the oven and melt the cheese!!

And these touchy - feely teachers nowadays are all educated in the modern teaching methods and pamper all of the spoiled kids. “Ohhhh, we don’t want to have any child left behind”. When I was a kid, the teachers hit every child’s behind. We had Mr. Rowan the woodshop teacher who used to walk around with the “Board of Education” which was a big paddle with a bunch of big holes drilled it in. He used that board to spank kids who weren’t listening and to protect himself from the Special B’s. We also had Mrs. Kozar who threw things at you and Mrs. Korinski, the science teacher, who would make you stand in the greenhouse if you were bad. We had lots of abusive teachers who beat the crap out of us, but we didn’t care. We loved it. Because it made us tougher!

And if you go into any of these schools nowadays you’ll see meddling parents and grandparents everywhere volunteering their time. When we were kids, they tried to keep the parents out of the schools. Do you really want to trust your kids with some near sighted, senior citizen crossing guard with Alzheimer’s and a colostomy bag? When we were kids, they used older kids to watch younger kids. We had 11-year old safety boys protecting every kid walking across Joy Road and never had a problem. My brother Danny was the captain of the safety patrol, audio visual captain, president of the Future Teachers, and in charge of taking kids that peed their pants home. And he loved it!!

So you go ahead and send your kids to these kooky campuses. As for me, I’m going to teach my kids responsibility by hitting them with stuff and making them walk home for lunch. And after they get all responsible, maybe they can walk home the crossing guard after her colostomy bag breaks.

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