ll, it’s May and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be getting ready for Mother’s Day. Just thinking about those Meddling Mamas Boys makes me more steamed than my Mom’s mug of Lipton Cup-a-Soup. We had way better Mother’s Days when we were kids.

I can picture these Cheesy Children nowadays picking out some edible arrangeables to give to their Mothers. Nothing says “I love you” more than a Six Year Old ordering chocolate-covered strawberries disguised as flowers on the Internet. When we were kids, we made our Mothers crappy cards out of Construction Paper and Paste at school. One time, my brother Steve brought home a card that said “HAPPY MATHER’S DAY”. Sure, Steve blamed it on his “Big Buddy” Larry Pritchard for spelling “Mother” wrong, but we didn’t care, we loved it!! My Mom hung it on the refrigerator for 2 weeks, but we got to make fun of my brother Steve for 20 years.

And those Modern Mothers nowadays think they are so special because they never hit their kids. My mom never laid a hand on us. Shoes, belts, rulers, and paddles… sure, but never a hand. I remember my Mom was looking at a copy of Dr. Spock’s book in the store and I was hoping she didn’t get it because it was a hard cover and would just be another thing to throw at us. But, my Mom didn’t have to use physical force to discipline us anyway, she could have taught the Viet Cong a thing or two about mind games. One time I threatened to run away and she put my clothes in a paper bag and made me wait out on the porch while she pretended to call the Bad Boys Home. Sure, after 10 minutes I promised never to be bad again for the rest of my life, but she didn’t care, she loved it!

And these Crappy Kids nowadays will take their Moms out to some fancy, schmancy, restaurant like the Olive Garden so they can get Fettuccine Alfredo or 5 Cheese Pizza. When we were kids, we never went to a restaurant, even on Mother’s Day. My mom had about 5 ½ meals that she was good at making, like “Hamburger and Noodles.” The recipe for that was to buy the cheapest hamburger in the store and then stretch it out by adding lots of Elbow Macaroni. Sure, we had the same meals over and over, but we didn’t care, we loved it! Because Wednesday was Chop Suey day!!

So you Mother Loving Losers spend your Mother’s Day at some Fancy, Schmancy restaurant talking about how special you are and eating Internet food, but as for me, I’m having an old fashioned Mother’s Day like we used to. I’m getting some Construction Paper, Crayons, Paste and lots Elbow Macaroni. And then... Ow!?! Was that a shoe?

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