The McCarty Metro - Da Funnies

. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked i t on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man stood searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Metro Christmas Season Begins......
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Click continue in the lower right of the cell to go to the next scene	All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names...

Click on the blue star and
drag to the red star

What nationality is Santa Claus?
*North Polish.*
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
*The turkey, he is always stuffed.*

UNCLE KELLY'S
NURSERY RHYMES & BEDTIME STORIES

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little...... er... piggy.

(See... I was able to edit myself).

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
*It was already wound up.*
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
*Claustrophobic.*
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
*You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.*
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
*It's Christmas, Eve!*
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QUICKIES...

Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else

Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing it?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. The clerk asked "What denomination?" The woman replied "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

Did You Know...

If it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men, they would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.*

CHRISTMAS MASS INFORMATION

This information is for Catholics who attend Mass only once or twice a year (Christmas & Easter). We love to see you there, and would like you to come more often. This important information must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas -- There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he is known as: The Chip Monk!

METRO RECIPE

MCCARTY FRUIT CAKE
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INGREDIENTS
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1 Cup water
8 oz mixed nuts
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup butter
1 tsp. Salt
2 Cup dried fruit
4 large Eggs
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tea spoon baking powder
1 bottle bourbon

DIRECTIONS

Sample the bourbon to check quality.

Take a large bowl. Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is high quality.

Pour one cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the bourbon is still ok. Cry another tup.

Turn on the mixerer.

Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loos with a drewscriver.

Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.

Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?

Check the bourbon.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.

Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.

Don't forget to wake up with a major hangover the next morning and search the house for the fruitcake you so painstakingly baked the night before.

A blonde woman was about 2 hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next 3 hours fixing my truck. I've got two chimpanzees though in the back who have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the 2 chimps were ushered into the back seat of the her car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. 5 hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when he was stunned to see the blond woman walking down the street holding hands with the 2 chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. He pulled off the road and ran over to her. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimps to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.