Well, it’s Summertime and that means those little McCarty Grandbrats will be packing up their SUVs and going to the Detroit Zoo. I can see those little Animal Lover Losers now walking around with their zoo keys, zoo maps, zoo guides, following those painted on elephant footprints. Just thinking of those brainiac babboons makes me hotter than those metal bench seats in that crappy zoo train. The Zoo was a lot more fun to go to when we were kids.
Nowadays they don’t even let you feed the animals in the zoo, because they are on some special diet. Maybe if they’d feed them something different they wouldn’t be sleeping all the time. When we were kids, the animals were fine and we fed them peanuts, marshmallows and Cheez-its. Bouncing a Peanut off of an animal’s head sometimes was the only way to make those drugged animals move. We fed junk food to wild animals and we loved it. | And now they only have two animals in every exhibit. “Ooohhhhh, this exhibit is only big enough for two lemurs.” Fiddle Foey!! When I was a kid we didn’t need no fancy animals like lemurs. And in the old exhibits they’d put about fifty of those red-assed monkeys sitting on a rock. Then they’d fight over who could reach the highest spot. We didn’t need no exotic animals, we were happy with the crazy fighting monkeys. And nowadays when you go to the concession stand, it’s like going to a four star restaurant. Oh, they have chicken strips, pizza, pasta, and something in a pita that I can’t even pronounce. When I was a kid, you got a choice of two things at the concession stand. You got a hot dog or you got nothin’!! And the hot dogs were made weeks before and were in some weird metallic bag. And after you ate and you went to throw away your leftovers, there would be 50 million bees flying around the garbage can. We would have to run flapping our arms and toss the half-eaten hot dog into the trash can. Sure we looked like idiots, but we never got stung. | 
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So you take your kids to the Detroit Zoo with their new “animal friendly” exhibits. And while you’re watching a drugged up lion sleeping, I’m going to San Diego Wild Animal Park where they have tons of animals. And I’m bringing me a bag of peanuts and I’m gonna find me some red-assed monkeys.
Have a great summer!!
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