The McCarty Metro - Jerry's World

Well it’s time for the Summer Olympics and that means those little McCarty grand brats will be sitting in front of the television watching some 2 hour “Up Close and Personal Story” on some Kayaker from the Netherlands. Just thinking about all of those Yappy Euros makes me hotter than holding onto the wrong end of the Olympic Torch. Oh you can bet those Europeans will be acting all stuffy and playing there Euro sports like Badminton and Equestrian, and all the US athletes will be so “steroided up” they won’t know what’s going on. If I didn’t have a bad back, bad knees, and wasn’t really old, I’d hop on an airplane to Greece and teach those Overrated Olympians a thing or to about how we did sports when I was growing up.

I can picture all of those Olympic athletes sitting around the Velodome as they have 2,000 cycling events. “Oh…… I can’t wait for the 4,000 meter women’s individual pursuit semi-finals.” Fiddle Foey! When I was a kid we did one Bicycling event and it was the “Sus-Comb 500”. You’d get your bike all shiny and put a baseball card in the spokes and then race around Sussex and Whitcomb Street. And we didn’t need no aerodynamic handlebars and a racing seat either. We would race with a banana seat and a sissy bar and go way faster than these International Idiots nowadays. Sure, the Sus-Comb 500 ended after 3 laps when the street lights came on, but we didn’t care we loved it. Because the Banana Seat made our underwear ride up our butts.

And those Europeans like to do that Greco-Roman Wrestling. I say we throw a little bit of the Good Ole USA over there and do some Big Time Wrestling. I don’t care who these other countries have, but no one in the world could beat our All-American team of Haystacks Calhoun, Bobo Brazil, and Tex McKenzie. After an Arkansas Twist and a Big Splash by Haystacks there would be flattened Euros all over Athens. And any that were still standing would be taken care of by a few KoKo Butts from Bobo and a Bulldog by Big Tex. And forget about those spandex wrestling suits, because Haystacks is going to wear his Denim Overalls.

And I’m sure the Russians and the Chinese are favored in the Gymnastic Events. Watching gymnastics on TV is about as exciting as a Ken Burns PBS documentary on the history of LC Productions. And this year there is a Trampoline event in the Gymnastics Competition. This could be Mike McCarty’s big chance for a Gold Medal. I figure the Russians won’t know what to do when they see Mike’s knee drop into a sit spin into a Soupy Shuffle. And those Chinese won’t even want to compete after they see Mike in his jean cut-offs doing his Screaming Dismount into a hot dog vendor.

So you can watch the Olympic Medal count of if you want, but for me, I could care less whether we win medals in Water Polo or Fencing. If they want to make real sports and get the real sports fans involved they need to revamp the Olympic Games and we’ll get a whole new Team USA. And leading the procession for the Opening Ceremonies will be Haystacks Calhoun on a Banana Seat.

Go USA!!